Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He has the fingertips of a God
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