I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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