Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
