The maid of honor just puked.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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