Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
