Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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