oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
