Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
