were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize