Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
