duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
