Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
