if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
