if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My vagina just clenched in fear
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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