they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You dont lie about slip and slides
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
