So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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