I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I forget how to act sober
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
