just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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