That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
