Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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