Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
