Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
