Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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