Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize