He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
