I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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