Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
