So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
