That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
