I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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