I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
as a side note pls kill me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
