so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
