Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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