Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
