I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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