i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
