I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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