I haven't been this sober since birth.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I FOUND THE LEGS
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
