she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize