Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
