I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
