lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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