So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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