I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
