Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
