By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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