I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
