She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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