Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
