You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
