M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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