I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
