I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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