Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
