she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
