none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
