we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
