i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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